I don't enjoy the way I'm living.  I thought retirement was going to be great but it seems like it is really only emphasizing how broken my relationship with Kevin really is.  He has different priorities than I do, primarily, drinking.  He admits he's an alcoholic but has no intention of ever changing his behavior.  I suffer with loneliness.  I want a partner that wants to spend time with me.  The small time we spend together is typically time when he's recovering before his next drink which is filled with disgusting bodily issues from incessant burping, farting and urges to use the bathroom, sweating, anxiousness or sleepiness.  Once he feels better, he's ready to leave and go drinking again.  It is unfair to me.  So then I try to create a parallel life for myself.  Once again, similar to how I felt when I was married to Steve, living a single life that I manage on my own.   I don't necessarily mind this but I feel limited by this mindset because I'm not single.  I plan activities and ask him to participate half knowing that it could very well be awful with him suffering through the event because he's between drinking and his body is recovering.  This negatively impacts my enjoyment of that scheduled activity.  He's uncomfortable in his body so he isn't able to fully engage and then I need to think about him or go at his pace/timeline vs enjoying the activity full out on my own or with a true partner.  So then I think, "ok", just do it like you are single and go on your own to these activities.  But that is even more lonely to me because I'm not single and on my own.  I don't know what I want but I do know that what I currently have is not working.  I feel lonely, isolated, and a bit disgusted.  I hate that he doesn't respect our house to the level that I do.  He pees outside; he pees inside on places other than the toilet, he pees in the toilet and doesn't flush, he pees in the toilet and everywhere around it and I step in pee, he pees on his clothes and I'm living in a house with peed on clothes.  I know this is just a small nothing, but because it happens so regularly it feels bigger than just that small list.  I think, ok, what if he fixes that.  What if he figures out a way to not pee everywhere, what would be the next thing that I would pick on.  So maybe it's just a me thing, that I'm overly particular.  What if I lived in a different place than him.  I can live in the casita for a small period of time for example.  Live on my own, without living in the same house.  That would help resolve the peeing issue.  So I relegate myself to a one bedroom apartment outside of the 4 bedroom house that I've worked so hard to maintain and enjoy and pay for.  Let's say that is something I'm willing to do maybe in a temporary situation.  Then what.  Let's talk about making plans for events.  Maybe we just "date".  He can take me out and we can go on vacations together but not do the daily life together.  He can fit me in when it's a priority to him and I can see if that works for my schedule that I have set up for myself.  If I need something, he would be the first person I can reach out to but I don't have to rely on him and be responsible for the daily duties.  Hmm, I kinda like that.  This would alleviate me having to worry about if he's home safely.  I wouldn't have to keep tabs on if he is peeing in some obscure place ruining our house because I would just fix the house when I ultimately am ready to sell the house.  I don't have to be responsible for the ongoing upkeep or feel responsible for his safety or his business.  I honestly think this could potentially work...  I will start the plan this week.  I know he's going to say that it's just because Rick died that he's suffering.  I spoke to him proactively about my concerns and he wasn't able to do anything about getting ahead of this or making any conscience decisions to ensure he would maintain his mental health.  I can't be responsible for the outcome of his decisions.   I know that I can't control him.  I'm letting him do what he wants when he wants to and I'm trying to live my own personal life as a parallel decision.