I don't enjoy the way I'm living. I thought retirement was going to be great but it seems like it is really only emphasizing how broken my relationship with Kevin really is. He has different priorities than I do, primarily, drinking. He admits he's an alcoholic but has no intention of ever changing his behavior. I suffer with loneliness. I want a partner that wants to spend time with me. The small time we spend together is typically time when he's recovering before his next drink which is filled with disgusting bodily issues from incessant burping, farting and urges to use the bathroom, sweating, anxiousness or sleepiness. Once he feels better, he's ready to leave and go drinking again. It is unfair to me. So then I try to create a parallel life for myself. Once again, similar to how I felt when I was married to Steve, living a single life that I manage on my own. I don't necessarily mind this but I feel limited by this mindset because I'm not single. I plan activities and ask him to participate half knowing that it could very well be awful with him suffering through the event because he's between drinking and his body is recovering. This negatively impacts my enjoyment of that scheduled activity. He's uncomfortable in his body so he isn't able to fully engage and then I need to think about him or go at his pace/timeline vs enjoying the activity full out on my own or with a true partner. So then I think, "ok", just do it like you are single and go on your own to these activities. But that is even more lonely to me because I'm not single and on my own. I don't know what I want but I do know that what I currently have is not working. I feel lonely, isolated, and a bit disgusted. I hate that he doesn't respect our house to the level that I do. He pees outside; he pees inside on places other than the toilet, he pees in the toilet and doesn't flush, he pees in the toilet and everywhere around it and I step in pee, he pees on his clothes and I'm living in a house with peed on clothes. I know this is just a small nothing, but because it happens so regularly it feels bigger than just that small list. I think, ok, what if he fixes that. What if he figures out a way to not pee everywhere, what would be the next thing that I would pick on. So maybe it's just a me thing, that I'm overly particular. What if I lived in a different place than him. I can live in the casita for a small period of time for example. Live on my own, without living in the same house. That would help resolve the peeing issue. So I relegate myself to a one bedroom apartment outside of the 4 bedroom house that I've worked so hard to maintain and enjoy and pay for. Let's say that is something I'm willing to do maybe in a temporary situation. Then what. Let's talk about making plans for events. Maybe we just "date". He can take me out and we can go on vacations together but not do the daily life together. He can fit me in when it's a priority to him and I can see if that works for my schedule that I have set up for myself. If I need something, he would be the first person I can reach out to but I don't have to rely on him and be responsible for the daily duties. Hmm, I kinda like that. This would alleviate me having to worry about if he's home safely. I wouldn't have to keep tabs on if he is peeing in some obscure place ruining our house because I would just fix the house when I ultimately am ready to sell the house. I don't have to be responsible for the ongoing upkeep or feel responsible for his safety or his business. I honestly think this could potentially work... I will start the plan this week. I know he's going to say that it's just because Rick died that he's suffering. I spoke to him proactively about my concerns and he wasn't able to do anything about getting ahead of this or making any conscience decisions to ensure he would maintain his mental health. I can't be responsible for the outcome of his decisions. I know that I can't control him. I'm letting him do what he wants when he wants to and I'm trying to live my own personal life as a parallel decision.
Sunday, October 12, 2025
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
start of something old
All I can think about is how to lose weight and the fact that I need some personal motivation for both myself and my kids. I am REALLY worried about their health, almost more than my own. They are both so young and really are struggling with their weight which I'm concerned will ultimately limit their future choices. I feel like they are for some reason satisfied with being OK and not really excelling in their current lives. I want them to really have every opportunity open to them so they never feel like they had to compromise their choices for anything.
I meet up with Megan tomorrow. I am hoping that between the two of us we can just work at this one day and one week at a time. I feel like if we help each other out and are honest with one another we will be able to make some small changes in our lives. I am hoping she is open to the conversation. I think even if she just changes her food choices and still continues to go out with her friends to drink and have fun she will still be further ahead than where she is now. I want to see if she's interested. If not, I HAVE TO do this either way. I am going to make so pre-made meals and snacks for myself and then move forward from there. I know this is something I can do, I've done it before, successfully, and I can do it again.
I meet up with Megan tomorrow. I am hoping that between the two of us we can just work at this one day and one week at a time. I feel like if we help each other out and are honest with one another we will be able to make some small changes in our lives. I am hoping she is open to the conversation. I think even if she just changes her food choices and still continues to go out with her friends to drink and have fun she will still be further ahead than where she is now. I want to see if she's interested. If not, I HAVE TO do this either way. I am going to make so pre-made meals and snacks for myself and then move forward from there. I know this is something I can do, I've done it before, successfully, and I can do it again.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Thursday
I feel satisfied today. I'm looking forward to spending the evening with Megan, I'm glad I spent last night with Mike and that David passed his prayer tests that he studied for. I feel like my life is going in the right direction.
There's so much to do before the end of the day on Saturday. I hope my kids will help me out. I need to make sure that the plants don't die while we're away, we need to pack, we need to get ready for the vacation. I need some time to relax!
Day 1
OK, here we go, another weight loss saga, but this time, this time, it's going to work for the long term. Here's why: I have a clear goal in mind, I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get there, I have set myself up for success and I will manage this like a project. I'm good at completing projects, I will be good and this too.
So, here are the details:
Problem statement: I have low energy to do anything but the minimum, I have low self esteem and feel unattractive in my clothes, I am in the big girl clothes and typically have to squeeze into those clothes, I am setting a bad example for my kids and I will not be happy to take pictures at my wedding if I look the way I do now.
Current Situation: 150lbs, low energy, dry skin, 34% body fat
What we know: I have been successful at losing weight before
I used WW and exercise to lose the weight and keep the weight off previously
I felt good about the way I looked when I could fit in smaller clothes and would receive compliments from others
I didn't feel that it was a lot of work to lose the weight when I was doing it, just wanted to not have to worry about the way I looked, wanted better self esteem
I had more energy when I weighed less
I did it with the help of a coach from weight watchers
I had a very specific goal in mind, 20th High School reunion
What we don't know
I was younger when I did it before, can I still do it 2 years later?
Why I stopped focussing on eating well and encouraging myslef to be successful
Day 7, January 15, 2014
So, I said 100 day journey and everyday I imagine will be an adventure. I am completing the first 7 days of the 100 days. I rocked the entire day yesterday UNTIL after dinner. I couldn't stop eating. I had a large dinner with salad and a lot of chicken and green beans and then... it went down hill. I ate the pita bread with a ton of hummus and then some potato chips. I didn't eat as many potato chips as I would typically be eating but ended up going to bed not feeling good about the day's eating as well as with a HUGE stomach ache. So, lesson learned. NO HUMMUS, NO POTATO CHIPS.
I ate my breakfast yesterday with a piece of fruit and oatmeal. I ate 2 candies yesterday, I ate the lunch I packed and a piece of fruit. I walked after work just like I planned. I ate a healthy dinner. I did everything as planned and then it fell apart. I don't want to beat myself up, but I'm disappointed that I allowed myself that break in my eating. I also didn't prepare any food for tonight or tomorrow night. I will need to stay on track tonight to make sure I make it happen for us. I also forgot to weigh myself AGAIN this morning. I literally just thought about that right now. I need to set it out, somehow, like my clothes, the night before. Maybe I can leave a note for myself on top of my clothes since that is one of the first things I do when I wake up. I could also change my alarm message to remind me but I don't really read the message.
I feel so stressed today. On Monday, things went so well because I was productive, I was not stressed just knocking things out one at a time. Now, I feel so much stress because of this silly office seating issue. I'm concerned what type of fall out will happen next week. I think it will be awkward for everyone. I'm hoping this doesn't mess with my typical routine or the routine of my personal team.
I am going to implement one new thing today and that will be if I get hungry, I will get up to grab a drink before I eat anything. I will also try to force my hand to grab a piece of fruit first before something else. We'll see how it works out.
So, so far, so good today. Actually even a little better than expected. I ate a banana, my oatmeal with sugar and then an orange. It's already 11:45 so lunch is coming soon enough. I have a meeting from 1-2 and then a quick break before a class from 3-4. Then I have the personal trainer this evening and I will also have dinner of stir fry chicken and vegetables. I will need to figure out a plan for tonight because Mike will be out late tonight. I need to be good to myself and not eat after dinner. That will be a little difficult so I will need to strategize to be sure I am successful.
I ate my breakfast yesterday with a piece of fruit and oatmeal. I ate 2 candies yesterday, I ate the lunch I packed and a piece of fruit. I walked after work just like I planned. I ate a healthy dinner. I did everything as planned and then it fell apart. I don't want to beat myself up, but I'm disappointed that I allowed myself that break in my eating. I also didn't prepare any food for tonight or tomorrow night. I will need to stay on track tonight to make sure I make it happen for us. I also forgot to weigh myself AGAIN this morning. I literally just thought about that right now. I need to set it out, somehow, like my clothes, the night before. Maybe I can leave a note for myself on top of my clothes since that is one of the first things I do when I wake up. I could also change my alarm message to remind me but I don't really read the message.
I feel so stressed today. On Monday, things went so well because I was productive, I was not stressed just knocking things out one at a time. Now, I feel so much stress because of this silly office seating issue. I'm concerned what type of fall out will happen next week. I think it will be awkward for everyone. I'm hoping this doesn't mess with my typical routine or the routine of my personal team.
I am going to implement one new thing today and that will be if I get hungry, I will get up to grab a drink before I eat anything. I will also try to force my hand to grab a piece of fruit first before something else. We'll see how it works out.
So, so far, so good today. Actually even a little better than expected. I ate a banana, my oatmeal with sugar and then an orange. It's already 11:45 so lunch is coming soon enough. I have a meeting from 1-2 and then a quick break before a class from 3-4. Then I have the personal trainer this evening and I will also have dinner of stir fry chicken and vegetables. I will need to figure out a plan for tonight because Mike will be out late tonight. I need to be good to myself and not eat after dinner. That will be a little difficult so I will need to strategize to be sure I am successful.
Day 6, January 14, 2014
So, I rocked it yesterday! Even though the morning was rough, I ate well the entire day and exercised and went to bed feeling pretty fantastic. I had a great productive day at work and I think that really helped with my outlook on the results for the day. I really felt good about myself and I woke up this morning feeling pretty stinking good too. Pretty fantastic!
So, what went well yesterday? I really stuck to my eating plan during the day. I packed my food and ate what I packed. I got home yesterday and even though I had nearly an hour before the trainer I didn't snack, nor did I feel like snacking. Maybe because I kept myself ridiculously busy when I got home or maybe because I didn't want to eat before going to the trainer? I did drink a bunch of water in the afternoon and I ate lunch close to 2pm. I think there is probably something to that as well. I will see what things look like today as far as the timing for eating. The plan so far will be to have breakfast of oatmeal and 2 pieces of fruit. I've had the oatmeal already, and ready for one orange. I am feeling pretty hungry. I packed my lunch of salad with chicken and a piece of pita bread. I will also have a piece of fruit for lunch. Dinner will be something relatively easy since both Matt and Mitch have plans tonight. I'm thinking of also planning out dinner for tomorrow and Thursday tonight since I will have the most time this evening. I don't have a late meeting and I don't have any particular appointments. The only thing I have planned for after work is to head to Walmart for some teeth whitening stuff for Megan.
OK, this morning did not go great, but not terrible. It is 12:20 and I have eaten EVERYTHING I brought with me AND 2 candies including a small sized M&Ms and Skittles. I then read an article about not dieting and people's replies to it. Somehow that distracted me or convinced me I'm really not that hungry. Good for me. This afternoon should be relatively quick at work. I will need to watch myself at home. I have a meeting at 1 and a meeting at 2pm. I then will be heading to Walmart and then home to walk, shower and then dinner/cooking for tonight and the remainder of the week. I am still on track. I don't think I will feel so hungry the rest of the day, hopefully.
So, what went well yesterday? I really stuck to my eating plan during the day. I packed my food and ate what I packed. I got home yesterday and even though I had nearly an hour before the trainer I didn't snack, nor did I feel like snacking. Maybe because I kept myself ridiculously busy when I got home or maybe because I didn't want to eat before going to the trainer? I did drink a bunch of water in the afternoon and I ate lunch close to 2pm. I think there is probably something to that as well. I will see what things look like today as far as the timing for eating. The plan so far will be to have breakfast of oatmeal and 2 pieces of fruit. I've had the oatmeal already, and ready for one orange. I am feeling pretty hungry. I packed my lunch of salad with chicken and a piece of pita bread. I will also have a piece of fruit for lunch. Dinner will be something relatively easy since both Matt and Mitch have plans tonight. I'm thinking of also planning out dinner for tomorrow and Thursday tonight since I will have the most time this evening. I don't have a late meeting and I don't have any particular appointments. The only thing I have planned for after work is to head to Walmart for some teeth whitening stuff for Megan.
OK, this morning did not go great, but not terrible. It is 12:20 and I have eaten EVERYTHING I brought with me AND 2 candies including a small sized M&Ms and Skittles. I then read an article about not dieting and people's replies to it. Somehow that distracted me or convinced me I'm really not that hungry. Good for me. This afternoon should be relatively quick at work. I will need to watch myself at home. I have a meeting at 1 and a meeting at 2pm. I then will be heading to Walmart and then home to walk, shower and then dinner/cooking for tonight and the remainder of the week. I am still on track. I don't think I will feel so hungry the rest of the day, hopefully.
Day 5, 2014 (January 13, 2014)
Well, this weekend did not go well as far as eating but went very well for exercising. On Friday afternoon as anticipated I went home and ate hummus with pita bread (2 pieces of pita bread) and then also had some potato chips. I ended up falling asleep before eating dinner. So, when I reflect upon my day, I would say, snacking on something that I already know is not a good choice lead to a second poor choice. I need to figure out a better snack after work. Also, because I was running around with Megan later than I expected, I ended up getting so tired, I didn't exercise on Friday either. So, what can I learn from this. First off, I should have exercised before I ate. I had plenty of time to go for the walk I wanted to do before I picked up Megan but choose not to. I can learn from that.
On Saturday things didn't go great either for eating but I did exercise. On Saturday morning I walked for 5 miles when I woke up! That was great work on my part. I came home and had some breakfast which was a scrambled eggs with vegetables mixture. Then everything went downhill for the remaining of the weekend. Starting with lunch at Burger King with a fried chicken sandwich and "low fat" french fries. Then dinner at El Palacio which I started with chips and salsa and then had a full order of chicken fajitas. On Sunday things were not that much better. I walked around noon for five miles with Mike and then had a good lunch of salad with turkey BUT then had humus with one pita bread and doritos. Followed by a snack of the remaining wheat thins and then dinner of spaghetti with 2 pieces of bread. Seriously, I don't think I could have fit in more carbs. Wow, not a great weekend for eating.
Today is starting out better. Breakfast of oatmeal, fiber one bar and soon to be an orange. I really am hungry. I think about my hunger a lot. I need to figure out something to curb my appetite. Ate a small package of skittles. Hmm, didn't even think about that orange that I can eat. Will eat that now. Plans are to go to trainer tonight at 5pm. Kids will be home tonight so will have grilled chicken with elk steak tonight. Peeled orange, eating it now. Definitely curbing my appetite even though it's not very tasty. Oh yeah, and I still haven't weighed myself, not even once. Need to figure out how to get in the routine. Would like to see some results. Interesting, I am working along and am thinking that I'm hungry, but in actuality, when I really think about how I feel, I am not feeling hungry at all. I just see the snacks and think I would like to eat them. Interesting. Not a good idea to have the candy on my desk. I just put the candy out of sight. Should help out.
Just finished the salad part of my lunch at 1:59pm. Hungry, but not famished before I started eating. Did take some of those pills before eating. I think that has helped with my hunger quite a bit and did NOT give me a stomach ache nor has it made me lose focus either.
On Saturday things didn't go great either for eating but I did exercise. On Saturday morning I walked for 5 miles when I woke up! That was great work on my part. I came home and had some breakfast which was a scrambled eggs with vegetables mixture. Then everything went downhill for the remaining of the weekend. Starting with lunch at Burger King with a fried chicken sandwich and "low fat" french fries. Then dinner at El Palacio which I started with chips and salsa and then had a full order of chicken fajitas. On Sunday things were not that much better. I walked around noon for five miles with Mike and then had a good lunch of salad with turkey BUT then had humus with one pita bread and doritos. Followed by a snack of the remaining wheat thins and then dinner of spaghetti with 2 pieces of bread. Seriously, I don't think I could have fit in more carbs. Wow, not a great weekend for eating.
Today is starting out better. Breakfast of oatmeal, fiber one bar and soon to be an orange. I really am hungry. I think about my hunger a lot. I need to figure out something to curb my appetite. Ate a small package of skittles. Hmm, didn't even think about that orange that I can eat. Will eat that now. Plans are to go to trainer tonight at 5pm. Kids will be home tonight so will have grilled chicken with elk steak tonight. Peeled orange, eating it now. Definitely curbing my appetite even though it's not very tasty. Oh yeah, and I still haven't weighed myself, not even once. Need to figure out how to get in the routine. Would like to see some results. Interesting, I am working along and am thinking that I'm hungry, but in actuality, when I really think about how I feel, I am not feeling hungry at all. I just see the snacks and think I would like to eat them. Interesting. Not a good idea to have the candy on my desk. I just put the candy out of sight. Should help out.
Just finished the salad part of my lunch at 1:59pm. Hungry, but not famished before I started eating. Did take some of those pills before eating. I think that has helped with my hunger quite a bit and did NOT give me a stomach ache nor has it made me lose focus either.
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